Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Soon...


There are times that I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that Gus is no longer here with us. It just doesn’t seem possible that he was here and now he’s gone….quickly…just like that. If I dwell on this fact for long, I start to feel myself spiraling down into that pit of deep sadness and depression…that place I don’t want to be. That is where I start to doubt our decisions in hi care….should we have moved to Pittsburgh…should we have insisted on the surgery that could have lengthened his bowel….should we have done more research…should I have….should I have…did I…did I…did I let him down? And there in that dark, dark pit I hear the words of the Lord…”No, my child. You did not let him down. “

As I try to climb my way out of the pit, I realize who’s words I have been focusing on…who has been shooting me with little fiery darts of doubt and condemnation. I remember the verse in 1 John 4:4, “Greater is He who is in me…” and I know that even though satan is attacking me, I will never be overcome by him. My source of strength is the Lord who is much more powerful.

Peace starts to envelope me and I hear the Lord yet again “It’s just a matter of time, Jenny. “ I know exactly what He is saying…I look over to my right and there, a little bit from me, is Gus on a red ride-on toy…he smiles and blows me a kiss. I turn to Jesus to say “thank you” and He smiles and says “Soon…”

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2 comments:

Kymberlyn said...

Jenny,

You bring tears to my eyes. Many people do not accept the gospel of Thomas, but there is one quote I find to be extremely powerful. Something to think about...

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

So take what you have and give it to others. Give it to teach, give it to console and let the process heal you.

I believe that the people in our lives our guides. Each directing us towards a path God intended us to travel. There is a place God has intended you to be and Gus has brought you to that place. In your sadness it may not be clear but in time you will see.

Lill said...

Your son was a beautiful little boy and much loved, obviously. I think Gus's Gang is such a good thing that you're doing. It's a fitting tribute and a very caring one.

Shine On,
Lill