Vern: What are you going to do today, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Whatever I feel like I want to do! Gosh!
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, can I use your guys' phone for a sec?
Secretary: Is there anything wrong?
Napoleon: I don't feel very good. [takes telephone and dials number]
Kip: [on other line, making nachos] Hi.
Napoleon: Is grandma there?
Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
Kip: What do you need?
Napoleon: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now.
Napoleon: Just tell her to come get me.
Napoleon: 'Cause I don't feel good!
Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
Napoleon: No, she doesn't know anything… Will you just come get me?
Napoleon: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?
Kip: No, Napoleon.
Napoleon: But my lips hurt real bad!
Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.
Napoleon: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!
Kip: See ya.
Napoleon: Ugh! Idiot!
Napoleon: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous 'cause I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to become a cage fighter.
Napoleon: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Deb: And here we have some boondoggle keychains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
Napoleon: I already made, like, infinity of those at scout camp.
Napoleon: Well, what is there to eat?
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Napoleon: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon: No. Not unless she likes fish.
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it looks like you don't have a job. So, why don't you go out there and feed Tina?
Napoleon: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap?
Napoleon: Why do you got your hood on like that?
Pedro: Well, when I came home from school, my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went in the kitchen, and I shaved it all off and I don't want no one to see.
[points to Kip]
Rex: Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.
Napoleon Dynamite: Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
Napoleon Dynamite: I caught you a delicious bass.
Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat anything today.
Randy: [kicks the tots]
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!
Two bonus quotes because I couldn't cut them!
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
Uncle Rico: Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.
Uncle Rico: Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack. What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.