Gold Star Mom

I was really saddened to hear the news this morning...the news that a mother in California had lost another son in the war. She is now a double "American Golden Star Mother". How completely and totally sad. My heart is heavy for her and her family and I will be remembering them in my prayers...and I will also be remembering all those other Golden Star Mothers who have lost a child...and of course, all of us who have lost a child to disease and sickness. Sigh....it makes me sad to think of all the grieving....

Not Fair!

This really makes me mad. This family was not given all the details about their child's death and that is just not right. Grief is never an easy thing to go through and hearing that your child has died is devastating. Since the truth was not given to this family, they assumed that their child had died of natural causes...still not easy to deal with but a lot easier to accept. Two months later they find out the truth about her death and all of a sudden they are back to square one and they are reliving this death all over again...not fair! This makes me so mad....what were these school administrators thinking??

What a Nightmare

This news story just makes me sick. I can't even begin to imagine the horror this family is feeling right now. And the poor little boy...two years old and there at the home all alone. How completely scary for the little guy...and no telling what he has seen.

There is supposed to be a press release around two...wonder if I can see it online?? I'm curious about the latest details....my prayers are certainly with this family...

A Baby Bottle and Romance

TeaMouse is having another writing contest! This time the theme is "romance". The following is my entry...

As I approach the one year anniversary of Gus' death, what we fondly like to call his Coronation Ceremony, I have been reminiscing quite a bit. I have a lot of memories from this journey and I'm trying to get them all down on paper.

When I think of romance, I think about a time when Gus was just about a month old and in the NICU. Pete would always go to the NICU in the mornings so he could get the doctors' reports. He had to do this because, at that time, I really couldn't process much. Between being post-partum, having a deathly ill child and being 2 hours from home, I was a complete mess. All I heard was "he's not going to make it..." even when the reports were fairly good! (the head nurse ordered me to stop pumping, start eating chocolate and get some Zoloft...things were much better after that, but that's another story for another time! lol!)

One morning I got a phone call from Pete telling me that I needed to come down to the hospital because the doctors had decided it was time to try to feed Gus with a bottle! I was so excited...I just remember thanking God for this progress. I went down and scrubbed in...sat down and feed my baby for the very first time ever.

Later, it hit me what Pete had done. He very easily could have fed Gus himself and then told me about it later....he could have demanded that I give him a turn feeding Gus...but he didn't. He was so sensitive to my needs and desires and to me, that is true romance.

Pete did this very thing several other times...even on the day that Gus died.

I told him that I needed to hold Gus as he passed and he told me that he wouldn't have it any other way. He could have put his foot down and told me that I "had to share" and that we both should be holding Gus. He knew though...he knew what I needed and he loved me so much that he denied himself the privilege of holding Gus as he died.

That's romance, folks...and I am blessed...

Be sure to go over to TeaMouse's to read the other posts about romance! I think it is so nice of her to host these contests!

This Time Last Year...

This is from Gus' CaringBridge site:

TUESDAY, MAY 23, 2006 09:42 AM, CDT

Gus' teeth have stopped bleeding..we think! lol!! He was given a medicine that is used for oral bleeding and it has seemed to work. He is still quite puffy but is peeing ok. He can't help but be "over-filled" with all the blood products he has to get daily. Pete bought me a step stool so I could get up higher so I can reach over and squeeze Gus...we have to be very careful not to move him so it's best for me to "hover" over him and give him hugs and kisses! lol!!
Pete and I are on our way to a Grand Round...we like to pretend we are doctors! The head of Gus' transplant team is speaking here today and we were told we could come. Dr. Mazareigas is going to be talking about intestinal failure and transplantation....that would be us! lol!! Anyway....I'll be back later with more...

Please consider Organ Donation...

Heavy Heart

For those of you keeping up with my "Grief Journey", I've posted "Heavy Heart" over at Gus' Gang.

Grief is such a strange thing...I think I will always have something to write about where it is concerned....

10 Days

There are 10 days between now and the anniversary of Gus' death. Gus died last year on May 31st. Grieving has not been a bitter ordeal for me and I'm thankful for that. I know that some people can really struggle with the death of a child. Hear my heart here...I'm not saying that losing Gus has been easy. I am saying that I have not dwelt in that stage of grief where you are trying to place blame somewhere...on someone...something. I have been there but not for long. What is so tricky about grief is that there is no guarantee that I won't revisit that stage!

There's also no guarantee that those "crying spells" will hit you when you are at home, in private. Oh just the opposite is certainly going to happen and always when you least expect it! But, these "crying spells" are good for those who grieve. I embrace them!

So, if you see me crying in front of the shredded cheese section at the grocery store or at the back of the BloodMobile where all the snacks are....let your heart be glad because what you are seeing is my healing.